Life Coach Training: Authenticity Vs. Oversharing

As a life coach and speaker, you must be clear on the difference between what is authentic and what is gratuitous attention seeking behavior. This is when it is essential to be spending time in solitude, meditation and prayer. You must have a clear conscience daily before God before you seek to influence others.

On a side note, one of the characteristics of people who grow up in shame-based or addiction based homes is their tendency to overshare information. This is to position themselves for more sympathy or as a victim. They also believe if they give out really personal information it will help gain trust without giving the time for people to examine their actions.

What I have seen as a coach is if someone is telling their story on social media and it’s still happening, that’s my first red flag. Next is when people start processing out their pain in front of an audience with no plan on how to solve it. We should only share information that others are going to be able to learn how to profit from. If we don’t have that yet then we haven’t technically become an overcomer in that situation and it’s attention seeking.

This can problem can be easily moved through from simple leadership training and asking the Holy Spirit to illuminate to us when we just need to be quiet. This again is why it is so important to cultivate a life of inner solitude before God.

Need some guidance on next steps for getting started building your leadership and then getting paid to coach? Here’s a great place because it’s free! Get Started 

Use what’s in your hand today! Love, Bec:)

 

5 Examples Of Boundaries For Attention Seeking Clients

As you grow your Christian coaching business, you are going to want to put clear boundaries and expectations into place so you can serve the exact people God has called you to in the SEASON that God has for their growth. Here’s the truth, what most people don’t realize is that if you are always seeking the affirmation and the wrong kind of attention, when it’s the right time and God’s blessing, the RIGHT kind of attention won’t be given to you because people are just wore out with the striving you create for them relationally. I tell you why I know this first hand in my video:)

First! A coach is always going to challenge you to change rather then a counselor who is going to listen to you process out your pain. As a coach, it is your responsibility to help your clients grow their leadership in a healthy way and avoid sabotaging tactics that will dilute their peace, joy and influence. Attention-seeking is one of the things that completely erodes credibility and respect out of people’s lives so you want to help them eliminate this as quickly as possible. It causes them to look insecure and people don’t want to partner with them because they create so much negativity. 

Before we begin, let’s address that we all need attention but when we seek it from others in an unhealthy way rather than receiving our affirmation from God or communicating simply, hey! I could use some time from you, it’s typically going to produce bad fruit for us.  As a Christian coach, you are going to see some common themes and today I hope to help you avoid taking these clients before they create a bad situation for themselves and your business.

1. The Client Who Feigns Confusion And Helplessness When You Give Them An Assignment

We all struggle. I know I appreciate when my coach goes out of his way to walk me through the process. However, if your client does this habitually and not just once in a blue moon,  this is an attention getting ploy that has paid out for them from other people. You need to share with them that that they could still need a counselor that you are hired to get specific results and will look for ways to challenge not get into how they feel about it. In business and ministry, feelings do not drive action. FAITH drives action.  Ideally, you have not built your business on feeling needed but on the results you deliver for others. Again. if your client can’t take action, they need counseling not coaching.

2.  The Constant Need For Affirmation

Again, we all love encouragement. What makes the difference here is the clients inability to work unassisted. If they want to raise their leadership level they have to be able to work alone, under deadlines and without any affirmation from others. This is the process of helping your client self-actualize their dreams. Compliment them when they take action! Not over their hair or other superficial things. Teach them that spiritual leaders affirm over character not gifting.

3.  Constant complaining.

They need you to explain what you meant in your training over and over. Although you have many other clients who never ask you to explain the very same content. They can’t stay on track or focused and don’t feel like you are meeting their needs, etc. The bottom line is they are used to people listening compassionately and not asking them to move forward in their pain. Have a process in place that you use when you see a client is having difficulty. It should involve a personal phone call, clarifying their grievances and answering them as well as asking them to take action forward to work in pace with you. If they respond, you most likely have a great referral because people appreciate the over the top service. If not, don’t feel guilty for people detaching as they may just need someone who can support them emotionally for a season.

4. Surfing social media endlessly, part of dozens of groups, liking everyone’s post so they get comments back.  Having lots of likes and comments on your business page. 

So, here’s the thing. If you are doing leadership or business training and you don’t encourage your clients to get out of free groups and use social media STRATEGICALLY to grow their leadership or brand, then you are delaying their profitability. Social media can be a huge waste of time if not used with a plan and accountability. I make it a policy, 15 minutes a day to answer and post about how I SERVE and the results I deliver.  That’s it. I get ZERO feel good from social media and watch for my conversion rate yearly. I also end the free in a period of time after six months as if they have valued the coaching most likely they will move into a team environment. I don’t care if you have ten thousand likes that you have bought (because let’s be clear, that’s what happens almost 90% of the time) 465 shares a day on your posts,  if you’re not converting this to clients and your business is multiplying an consistent income this is feeding a need for affirmation that you have. Always evaluate the results is a great boundary.

5. Constantly exaggerating. 

This is probably the number one thing that tunes me into a need for attention. You didn’t just buy a purse. You bought a purse from an Italian designer who lives in the district of…..You didn’t just go on vacation. I see lots of pictures with you jumping up in the air having the time of your life, drinking wine on the RIVERA. Oh my, I need to have your life and then my soul will be full.  There have been many studies done that the more insecure you are, the more you try to project an image of happiness, unity and success in your social media.  Sure share your wins and about your life but share the sabotages too.  If clients struggle with this when they come to me for Leadership training and it goes unaddressed, I know they will hype their client testimonials. The truth will do. Just learn how to share that without exaggerating and you will grow in time.

Need help becoming more confident about your leadership and putting systems into place to serve and grow? This is a great place to begin! 

How To Know If You’re Not Valuing Yourself Correctly As A Coach

How To Know If You’re Not Valuing Yourself Correctly As A Coach | Bold Influencers

If you don’t know how to value yourself or your services correctly you will find yourself feeling disrespected, taken advantage of and from a business perspective not being able to translate your immense gifting into a program that actually helps people get tangible results and grows your profits. I share with you five ways you can know if you need to up your value.

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First Steps For Weight Loss

First, when you are ready to begin building a coaching business…Ask Christ in prayer to help you let go of any past failure’s when you attempted to lose weight, emotional trauma’s or judgements you have made towards others. As you begin to speak and try and close sales, little places in your life where you feel insecure really distract you. 

If you want to become more self controlled, biblically that is done through the Holy Spirit. And let me encourage you today, if you’re heart is to talk about Christ helping you lose weight, then you want to pray for a fresh outpouring of the Holy Spirit on your life. It is his job to empower you with boldness and to speak in a compelling way that points to Christ.

When I ask the Holy Spirit for a new grace, I begin with a simple temple cleanse of my heart and conscience. Pray this with me:

Lord Jesus,

I specifically repent of the times in my life where I have judged others for the way they treated me or spoke to me that caused me to become offended or defensive. I choose to forgive abundantly so I may be forgiven.

I ask you to forgive me Lord for judging others on why they don’t have more self-discipline with food, their words, their finances or the way they steward their stuff. I am not their master, you are and I ask you to help me focus on what you have given me to steward and not other people’s lives.

I LET GO of any weight, worry or fear that is heavy on my heart. I LET GO of all trauma’s and I speak ABUNDANT life, peace and joy over my body and emotions. I expect to be filled with Holy Ghost power and overflowing with liberty because I have taken the time to lose weight your way so I may give you glory. Father, open up an effectual door of witnessing for me with even my first 5 pounds. Send me to those who need to know your love, forgiveness and joy that I may give them hope!

Secondly, I want you to understand this clearly. FAILURE is a mindset. It is not WHO YOU ARE IN CHRIST. When you learn this, you can apply it to all new goals you attempt to finish. FAILURE is just an emotion that arises and deceives you and this comes from judging yourself or a performance based mindset. It’s SPIRITUAL WARFARE to prevent you from living boldly for God and pursuing your goals and vision.  In Christ, as we speak the word and are conformed to HIM, we receive more grace and freedom. We literally gravitate towards health and peace because this is who CHRIST is.  This one revelation will set you free to become a FINISHER if you receive this!

Get STARTED NOW with my free resources building your business!

How To Process Emotional Pain Practically

One of the biggest challenges I have seen my clients struggle with over the years is not knowing how to process emotional pain and stress correctly. It’s probably one of the most important things you can put in place in your life because it affects how your children respond to rejection, change, and stress. Will they choose to medicate themselves during pain or will they turn to God and actions that will help them make right decisions.

I believe this is one of the make or break issues for maintaining a bold identity and also overcoming spiritual warfare, so I wanted to break this down practically for you. First, in life, no one is immune to pain. It’s only a matter of time before your heart get’s broken, you experience financial stress, or you simply can’t manage one more activity due to your schedule. Somethings got to give, and typically this is the breaking point in people’s leadership model. They let go of what they know they need to do to stay healthy.

Your leadership model is what you do consistently, every single day to help you function at your best and stay focused on the goals God have given you. Usually, when people tell me they struggle with double-mindedness or inconsistent, they have never been taught to put their leadership model into place and make that their number one priority for the day.

And here’s what I want you to know, if you grew up in an addiction based or shame-based home, you most likely FEEL GUILTY for implementing your leadership model without compromise. In other words in fear-based or shame-based home, there is NO LEADERSHIP because the idol takes precedent and everyone in the family enables to keep it in place. If you try and keep your leadership model in place and resist the enabling, you are told you’re selfish! So, it’s important for you to know that NORMAL is to have a leadership model and prioritize that because it helps you stay emotionally, physically and spiritually healthy.

I have three things I ask a client to do when they begin in my Leadership and Business tracks. The first is to get up at 5 am to read the word and have a sweet prayer time. (That means you have to go to bed earlier). The second is to block 30 to 60 minutes for exercise before their day begins because it boosts their metabolism and helps them avoid internalizing stress. (Introverts are famous for over thinking and exercising forces them to work off repressing emotions). The last is to write down their vision they want to accomplish for the year because without a clearly written vision; you will never say NO to things that distract you. Most likely if you are struggling with people pleasing, you have not implemented your leadership model consistently, or you feel guilty for doing so.

Here are five steps to take when you begin to experience sabotaging circumstances that are causing you emotional pain.

  1. Prioritize your prayer time and exercise without guilt.  It goes into the I WILL DO THIS UNLESS I AM BLEEDING FROM A MAJOR ARTERY. Prayer and exercise are the two things that will equip you to navigate this situation and make good decisions through it. It is also much easier to keep your emotions under control when you are channeling them.
  2. Do not think over and over again about the past. What went wrong, what you should have said, what you could’ve done better. It’s faith forward! Pray and ask God what steps to take to help you resolve your situation and take those actions with confidence that you prayed and God works for good what the enemy means for evil.
  3. Pick out a scripture to keep your faith-focused. When you find yourself worrying or projecting what could go wrong, confess this scripture out loud. If you have to do it 100 times a day, do it.
  4. When people ask you what they can do for you to help, let them. I have two rules during stress. I only tell people who I know will pray and can do something practical to help me. The truth is, we are a family in Christ. Families support each other during stress. Don’t push people away when you’re hurting. It is sabotaging for you and them.
  5. Offer to pray with people and to walk with them personally. It makes a difference. What I find is people begin to UNLOAD the pain during prayer, walking, running because it helps them start to let go of the control they have been locking down the pain with. I have seen absolute miracles from these two practical things and you will too.

Ready to help people start receiving transformation through your coaching and speaking? Get my START HERE package!

Love, Bec:)

Passive Aggressive Behaviors

Watch out for passive aggressive behaviors in your life and business. It will kill your clarity, momentum, and the truth is YOU are responsible as a Christian to guard your peace. If you can’t do that then you are going to make fear-based choices that will sabotage any vision you try and establish.

At the heart of permitted this behavior in your life is a lack of leadership or ability to ask the questions that will have to make controlling individuals recognize that they have violated your boundaries.  Typically people who are passive aggressive have grown up in homes where one parent was controlling or addictive, and the other parent was a passive/enabler.  This person is usually SATURATED with idolatry (idolatry is when we seek the comfort of anything other than the Holy Spirit. E.I. Alcohol, food, drugs, people pleasing)  and it won’t come down without you really being willing to stand through the tension.

Passive aggressive people expect to be disrespected or taken advantage of eventually, so they jump to conclusions when there is the least amount of miscommunication or mistakes made. They BELIEVE they are disrespected at the core of their identity and it’s become WHO THEY ARE IDENTITY WISE. They are also great at excuse making about their behavior which is why it takes so much energy and time to deal with these kinds of people. If this is in your response patterns, you have to get militant about addressing this as it has most of the time been in your family for generations. Most of the time if it’s addressed,  they not only deny it but turn it around so that you feel shamed or doubt you saw it.

Passive aggressive leaders surround themselves with enablers, so it’s classic crazy town banana pants feeling for anyone who attempts to address it. The challenge in business is time is money, so honestly, you have to evaluate if this is the kind of partnership you want in your life as it’s a massive financial leak to your profits and marketing.

So, how do you know you’re dealing with a leader or business owner who is passive aggressive? Here’re some characteristics:

They tell you they are going to take care of it but “forget” regularly. 

They triangulate to others in the family in team rather than directing their questions to the person who can change the situation.

They act like a victim of everything that happens that doesn’t go their way. 

Everything seems fine and then all the sudden they just email you about how disappointed they are with you or your performance.

They keep pushing the boundaries until you explode because they don’t want to be the one who initiated the conflict.

They ask you to deal with confrontation for them because they are too busy or you are “great” at being diplomatic.

They won’t deal with individuals one on one but rather address the offense in a group setting by alluding to the problem.

You will hear them always complain about how they are not respected, or they just keep getting taking advantage of over and over again.

They cut people off relationally, but then when they see them publicly in front of others they pretend all is well.

They show favorites depending on who is affirming them.

They can point out every little detail of how you failed but don’t take any ownership in how they failed to lead.

They always have an excuse for why they couldn’t finish a project or why it didn’t work out.

They are not interested from a business perspective in doing a better job. You will need to let them go when you begin to see these patterns. 

So how do you deal with these kinds of friends, business acquaintances, and family in your life? First of all, address their behavior as passive-aggressive but guard your heart and time with them! If you decide to confront them, have in mind the decision or action you will be taking ahead so that you get to put it in play. Most of the time, these individuals do not want to change or take ownership so distancing yourself is the only option.

Next, don’t second guess yourself. Passive aggressive people have a way of making you feel like it’s your fault when they are minimizing or manipulating you. If you think uh-oh feeling, most likely, you are right. Pray for them to receive the truth but again, don’t come under the fear they try to intimidate you with. Limit your time with them unless they acknowledge their issues.

Lastly, and this is the most important. You HAVE to set very clear boundaries with them without guilt. If they are attempting to control you, just let them know up front precisely what actions you will be taking and then EXECUTE every time. If you don’t, you have taught them that you are negotiable.

Remember, boldness means you can’t back up when there is tension. Hold your ground, establish your authority and stay focused on your mission. Don’t let passive aggressive people distract you from accomplishing the work that God has put you here for!

Have you considered becoming a Christian coach or speaker? Sign up for my START NOW package where I pray with you, give you some thoughts on how you can get started and yes, I have resources if you decide to move forward!

Faith Forward! Bec:)

3 Tips On How To Rule Your Kingdom With Grace

Here’s the bottom line. If you want to live purposefully, you have to be intentional with who you spend your time with. So what do you do when you are building success, but you find there are people around you who are not only distracting you from what God has called you to but giving you a hard time when you communicate your vision to them?

It’s helpful first to understand what the “kingdom” is within you. You see, it’s not this ethereal realm that is mystical for only the super-spiritual people who God really loves. Simply put, whatever you can decide yes or no with… Is your effectual rule.  Ultimately, boundaries are meant to protect your heart and the people under your influence. If you want to influence people authentically, this is a very important revelation for you.

We alone are responsible through the empowerment of the Holy Spirit to place boundary stones in pleasant places. It is your identity in Christ to live a significant and fruitful life but only if you consistently enforce it. If you make commitments and break them frequently, now you are perceived as an inconsistent person, and you lose influence and credibility.

 Next, as you grow, one of the situations you might encounter is people around you become fearful that you are going to abandon them if you experience more success. Most of the time, fear and insecurity will manifest as sarcasm, snarkiness, passive control or even individuals cutting you off relationally if you set boundaries that challenge them.

How to reset new boundaries with old friends 

1. It is up to you to help them understand in a grace-filled way, that you are growing in your leadership.

 Remember, you can never EXPECT people to get about you “identity-wise” if you don’t COMMUNICATE and ENFORCE it every-time. Sometimes we think we are very clear with people when the truth is, our actions are not lining up with the identity we profess. It’s not enough to tell people where you would like; you have to teach them by your consistent actions.

The first thing to do in this case is go before God when you are not stressed and determine the 3 to 5 boundaries that you are not willing to compromise on.  The last thing you want to do is sabotage yourself by backing down and creating a situation where the person expects you to not follow through on what you say you are going to do. When I am working with my private clients, I usually keep them at 3 core boundaries as your aim is to reframe the one house, not build a whole new subdivision in one document.

For example, if you feel like this friend or client is habitually making commitments and then backs out at the last minute, you can see that they probably don’t value themselves or their time very well.  When you reschedule to do something with them without bringing up the first situation where they didn’t honor your time, you have now taught them that this is an acceptable pattern for you. So, here’s how to do with grace. When you schedule the second event with them, tell them that you really value spending time with them, but you would appreciate it 8 hours before you are supposed to get together with them, they would text you or confirm by email that the meeting is still on. If they do not text you and you really like them, text them and ask them if you are still on. If they do not respond, you do not head out for this appointment. If they show up and blame you, simply state what the expectations were with confirming the times. And, consider that this is not a person you want in your close friend circle or professional relationship as they will not be consistent with their word in small things. If people can’t be consistent and execute on little things, they will not execute on what’s important to you or them. This is not an individual that will help you birth your dreams.

2.  Begin by telling the people around you where you are going and that you are so excited about creating a thriving, peaceful and stable life.  This means you have to do the work to clarify your goals and vision for the next one to five years. Dig down into developing an idea that will cause you to joy and then start smiling and praying about it daily. That’s faith. I would even include in this vision what kind of people you want to partner with and how you will recognize them when they come into your life. You have to be practical when you reset boundaries. For example, they will tell you how much they appreciate spending time with you by being punctual:). Once you have done the internal work, then watch yourself become more confident, and you will begin to attract more of this kind of people into your life rather than the one’s that sabotage you.

3. Decide what kind of friend and business partner you’re going to be for other people now that you don’t like the old identity.  Up your leadership by requiring from yourself what you want in a friend. It’s biblical. And don’t cut yourself slack. If you want loyal friends who can speak the truth to you in love, then be that for them. If people are struggling with people pleasing or rejection, sometimes this prevents them from communicating when their feelings or hurt. Write a list of WHO you are identity wise and choose to build a bold character. Here’s a couple I require from myself.

I am: someone who prioritizes prayer; I am fit, I laugh at myself, I am surrounded by faithful, loyal, successful women and men. I value giving back and serve fully and to be the best of my ability, when I make a mistake, I say I am sorry. I value relationships over being right. I finish what I start. I eat the fruit of my labor. (Feel free to go on and on:) 

You can rearrange boundaries with grace. Just remember, when you grow into a stronger identity,  it can be threatening to other people. You will create a tension, and people will be forced into two positions. They will either have to disconnect from you because they are not willing to accept this new change in you or best case scenario they will choose to grow themselves and affirm the new identity God is working in your life. Do not hold back rearranging the boundaries that bring you joy because you are afraid people will not like the new you. God does it all the time for my clients and will do it for you!

The best way to determine who is going with you into your next season is to begin moving in the direction you believe God is calling you into. START NOW  to push back all the spiritual warfare you are getting and influence more people authentically.

Love, Bec:)

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